Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
I thought about posting some on here, but wasn't too sure. A friend told me, "You blog about everything else, so why not?"
Yeah...so why not!
written April 15, 1997. I was 17.
Once upon a time there was a little girl
Who believed that she could conquer the word.
All the bad things came to exist in her life
And they told her she couldn't triumph over her strife.
They told her she wasn't smart enough to succeed.
They told her she wasn't good enough to believe.
They told her she was ugly. They told her she was fat.
She couldn't be a supermodel of famous...
And that was that.
Although these things they said will always be lies
She began to believe them and parade their disguise
And suddenly, all the dreams that most little girls dream
Disappeared into the air, just like steam
So, she began to live her life, just as they said
Until they were always there inside of her head
And, when they would began to fight every night,
She would hopelessly submit, under their might.
They had no compassion, nor did they care.
For, even a little girl's tears could not penetrate their lair.
She will live her life in fear- she will live her life in pain.
For, no one can rescue her, unless they are truly brave.
But sadly and steadily, she reaches the end.
Desperately wanting her life to amend.
But her poor little heart can no longer beat,
And her shattered soul isn't even strong enough to weep.
Her tiny body is wrecked with pain,
Utterly in despair, she even stopped praying.
And as the end is near, she finally admits,
Her suffering will soon be gone,
Peace and darkness amiss.
This poem is obviously about my older sister and her struggle with anorexia. Please don't misunderstand, I was not writing this to predict her death, not even close!!!
First of all, poetry/music was my outlet. I had been an observer of her eating disorder since I was about 12. And...I never had anyone to talk to about the emotional trauma that I suffered, watching my sister play with her own life.
I think, around this time, my sister was very close to death. She would tell me, " Alicia, I think I'm going to die tonight," when things would get really bad. At 17, I remember that Angela was doing horribly, and I was relieved to be leaving for the military so I could get away from all the worry. And when I wrote this, I remember being petrified that she really would die. That I would leave, and never see her again. I think I really believed that and wrote this as a way of coping with that pain.
As I was typing this, I thought...wow. 13 years later...and I still have the same emotions/fears/feelings about Angela's situation....
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Chris's dad, step-mom, and little sister came up as well, and it has been great to see them, spend time with family, and even more so, to play with all the new babies that have been born through out the year!
I'm getting really sad that we have to go back to Iowa tomorrow...we only have about 9 months left, but they seem to be passing so slowly!
hmmmm, so what have we been doing here, besides spending time with the family and squeezing cute little chubby babies?
-playing at the fair!
- attempting to get Isabela to play in the swimming pool
-taking nice, leisurely walk and lots of playing outside with tiny Isa
-having a family "photo shoot", which as you can imagine was chaotic, loud, and super unorganized.
-dealing with a little family drama, which always seems to happen when we all get together.
-relaxing, relaxing, relaxing!
-Sunday church service in the church Chris grew up in.
-cuddles with the hubs
-watching Isa play with her cousins ( FUN!)
That pretty much about sums it up! It's so fun to see Isabela interacting with her tiny cousins, and to see her personality emerge. I love it, and I love seeing my tiny girl socializing so well!
Tomorrow, we leave early in the am. boo. I'm not very excited to go back and jump right back into Chris's crazy work schedule/life. The life of a housewife/stay at home mom can be very lonely, indeed, and with the start of the school year , Chris begans a very busy schedule with super long hours. ick.
9 more months.....who's counting down with me?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Because that someone committed a terrible act of violence.
Because a mother to a toddler is now in critical condition due to that terrible act of violence.
Because a child has already lost her father to the court system and might lose her mother forever.
Because this child has NO OTHER family and will most likely go straight into the state foster care system.
Because her mother is fighting to stay alive, even though she will NEVER be the same again.
Because I sit here, absolutely helpless to do anything.
Please pray with me. Last night, an old friend of ours shot his wife in the face. He was always a great guy...he never showed any signs of violence or instability. My memories of him include a fun loving guy who loved his wife very much, and a man that was not out of control...rather very much in control of his career, personal life and emotions.
Also, please pray with me for Stacy, as she used to live with this family. If my heart is broken, then her heart is shattered.
Lastly, please pray for Sarah, the woman who was shot. Please pray that God will give her the strength to fight, the strength to live, so her daughter can have a mommy. Please pray that she will survive this and still be able to care for her daughter. And still...please pray for her husband Josh. As much as I am angry and confused, I still remember the person who I once thought he was...
there HAS to be a tiny part of that person still inside his soul, right?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I don't have the time to sit and write as much as I would like to. This month, I have said some goodbye's to being on the internet as much and to watching tv as much. Why? Because those types of entertainment drain creativity and in my opinion, make you numb to the world.
I'm not saying its bad to do those things. I am just a person who needs to creatively express myself all the time. And when my mind is consumed with mindless entertainment, I continue to internalize all my feelings....and then BOOM....I explode, or melt down, or go on a flood of emotions and let it go to whatever unfortunate soul is next to me.
Its during those times that I realize that I need the quiet. The stillness. The peace that comes from hearing absolutely nothing at all. I crave that and NEED that, so that I can write, journal, blog, and recharge myself.
Oh, I have missed blogging so. SO much has happened. I have so many blogs written in my head.
So, I turned 30! and I made some promises to myself. Silly little things. Like, vowing to learn how to wear make-up. And, in Portland, my sister and I made an appointment at Nordstrom's Mac counter. IT was amazing, FUN, and guess what? Make-up is fun! When I wear it, I feel motivated, energized, and of course , pretty!
Once, I used to think that people who always wore makeup were a little insecure. OK - I mean people that wear makeup to bed...yes, those do exist! However, make-up brings out your best features, and quality makeup like Mac is definitely worth the money.
Second silly thing: Wear make-up everyday. I guess I vowed to do that, because now that I'm 30, I seriously a grown-up and I can't even pretend to be a teenager anymore....especially with a husband and a kid on my hip. I've done quite good, believe it or not! Stacy Fogarty, you would be so proud! I have learned that loose powder and lip gloss are my bff's on a busy day. And, I like to feel put together, even if it is a big fat lie!
Third silly thing: I will tweeze my eyebrows everyday! haha. Please, you don't understand the maintenance my horrible thick eyebrows (unibrow) need! AHHH! SO, i used to always wax my brows. But, I do not trust anyone in Iowa to do so. Sorry...no one but other Asian's get my eyebrows, and I say this bc my eyebrow hairs grow downwards. They are hard to shape because of that. And I just haven't found anyone I deem worthy to wax me. haha.
So, what was happening is that I would forget to tweeze for about a week or so, then I would look in the mirror and be so embarrassed at my horrible eyebrows! Then, it would take forever to tweeze....
SO, I have done great at this as well. And, you'll never catch me in a quandary again! ha!
So, those are some of my silly vows. I might blog more on that later...who really knows!
As I get older, I really get more 'political.' Its hard not to, with a child and all. Its not that I didn't care about it before. Its just that I felt so ignorant about everything and chose to keep my mouth shut. I'm still ignorant about a lot of politics. I don't have an affiliation with either party, because I'm so stuck in the middle on a few issues. But, let me just just blog a little about something that has been on my heart.
The mosque. In NYC. The one thats been on the news. President Obama has been under fire for upholding the Constitution. And many people are saying that a mosque is just plain offensive in that area.
I fail to see why. The terrorists were "muslim." But Islam is far from the extreme version that these crazy terrorists believe in. I really do know. One of my bff's is muslim. I am her daughter's god mother. I know her heart, and I know a little about Islam, thanks to her.
You cannot judge any religion by the actions of religious fanatics. Or you shouldn't. There are so many "Christians" that are so fanatic, so extreme. To be offended by the muslim faith, in my opinion, is ignorant and prejudiced.
And seriously? I have seen some facebook postings by "conservatives.' They are the ones who only post stuff about politics and how much they dislike our President. Its annoying. Enough to make me delete them, for sure. These conservatives are also ones that think all Christians should be Republican. To be politically racist like that, or to think that politics and Christianity or any religion go hand in hand is absurd and makes no sense at all. Jesus wasn't political at all. If he was around today, he'd be a hippy that went around loving on everyone...and he wouldn't want anything to do with politics at all.
Honestly, I am sad that this offends people. Because there are so many bigger issues at hand. Locally, nationally and internationally.
A mosque? Your offended, you say?
What about the fact that:
millions of people are dying , all across the world, from lack of medical care.
Millions of babies, children and families have NO access to clean water!
Families are selling their children to survive.
Babies are being born, just to be sold into the sex trade.
Children are being sold into sexual slavery.
Children are being sold into slavery to produce clothing, carpets, chocolate, diamonds.....
Women and children are sold like cattle in open markets. Forced to stand naked and sold to the highest bidder.
Men are coerced and tricked into labor bondage/slavery.
Babies are being abused, abandoned and NOT Loved right now.
A child somewhere, has no mother, or no father. They may be in a foster home. Or they may be overseas, living in an orphanage.
Somewhere, babies are dying, because Formula companies unmercifully market formula in impoverished countries where families do not have access to clean water. They give them just enough formula to make their milk dry up. And while these greedy companies make money, infant mortality climbs.
The Congo. Rape is a war tactic, used against women and children. Children are recruited as soldiers....
In some parts of the world, people are put in jail or even murdered - simply for their sexual
The drug/firearm trade is the biggest money making business in the world. Second is sex-trafficking.
I could go on and on.
THIS is what offends me. I'm offended that people choose NOT to care about this. I'm offended that all the above is so out of control and HUGE,- so HUGE, that I am totally helpless to make a tiny dent in it.
THis should offend us all, but even more so, THIS SHOULD BREAK OUR HEARTS.
This is what should concern us Americans. Us Christians. Every human being that exists. A mosque?
Please! I have bigger worries, bigger concerns. Like how I can financially help families to have access to clean water. (charitywater.org)
Or do something to unmask the realities of sexual slavery:http://www.ijm.org/
Or saving up money so that I can adopt a parent-less child one day.
Or choosing not to buy Nestle products because of the role they play in increasing infant mortality. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNYDPKQOVUE
I could keep going....should I?
My point is this. Why get your panties in a bunch over something so ignorant and in the big picture, UNIMPORTANT?
Don't. Spend your energy on educating yourself about these issues. Spend it on giving to something bigger than yourself.
Don't stay in your bubble, where its comfy because you don't allow yourself to know about all the heartbreaking and disturbing atrocities that are happening.
Let yourself be uncomfortable and let that uncomfortable-ness help you to grow.
Genuinely care. Genuinely love.
Scripture says this about love ( 1 Cor 13):
1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
and then it defines love even more ( love is patient, love is kind....read the whole chapter here.)
and lastly says this:
3Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
And scripture also says:
Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.
Go to church on sundays and your small groups during the week. Stay in your bubble if you choose. But GOD has something much bigger that he wants us to do. He wants us to LOVE and live in peace with one another. He wants us to act in love. To not be corrupted by the world, but to go out into the world and SHOW our LOVE by ACTING out our love to others. He wants us to have relationships, to raise our children, and to love our partners.
Yep. that is the TRUTH. Thats what the gospel is really about.
Living a life of service. Adopting. Caring. Letting the pain and injustice in the world break your hearts.
AND also...doing something about it. Jesus wasn't lazy. He went everywhere, getting to know people and creating relationships. He had so much love in His heart. And man...if only I could have a heart like HIS.
This Sunday, I'm singing a song called Hosanna. The bridge of the song is the most powerful part.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Every word in that bridge brings me to my knees. "Open up my eyes...Break my heart for what breaks yours."
You know what? God's heart isn't breaking over the mosque situation. Its breaking over a new born baby that is being abused. Its breaking over children that are sold into sexual slavery. Its breaking over the millions of children and families that don't have clean water to drink. Its breaking over TRUE injustice. And, so should ours.
Does this put life in a different perspective for you? I hope so. Take the religion out of it...because honestly....religion doesn't matter.
Its common sense, straight from the heart. Why get so offended about nonsensical things, when there is so much real injustice in the world?
-don't even waste your energy.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
haha. Poor Isabela. She is a GREAT little traveler, but she was so stressed from all the traveling.
She came home and you could just tell how relieved she was!
We will miss Portland so much. Most of my wonderful and amazing family lives there, and it was soooooo fun to be surrounded by them! Isabela had a great time, and we had a great time just hanging out and relaxing with everyone.
From the mild summer weather, being able to walk almost everywhere, great shopping, so much available to do, the coast, spontaneous contests, like sit up contests ( go Jordan!), America's next top model contest ( go Aunty Tina!), and the Davila dance off ( go Aurelia!).....well, we had a Blast!
I hope we get to repeat this every year!
Chris and I have traveled a lot with Isabela since she has been born. This is the farthest we have been with her. I will say, I miss being able to completely spontaneous and being able to plan so many activities in a day! My sis, Aurelia, said it all perfectly in her blog.
Kids change everything! But, they also make everything so much better! The best part about our trip was simply the family time. My family is soooo hilarious - I love you all!
We also drove up to Seattle! We visited our friends, Dave and Lisa Lunsford, and also got to see them lead worship at their church. I will blog more on this later. All I can say is that we all had an amazing experience, and it was a perfect ending to a whirlwind trip!
SO, now I am back home. Unpacking is sooo horrible! TOday, as I was doing laundry, I was singing to Isabela, " I hate laundry, and I'm always behind. Always behind, always behind!"
haha. I think today, Isabela and I will spend some time just relaxing. Poor Chris....since we were delayed for a day, he has a horribly busy week.
and poor chris!
We all know Chris had a seizure during our trip. I promise to let everyone know the outcome from his appt this week. Chris is absolutely sure he took to many of one of his medications on accident. I hope that is all it is...and,
I am so thankful for my sweet, super sexy, husband that loves me and Isabela so much!
Pics on the way, I promise!
Friday, July 16, 2010
I've done it. Hit middle-age-hood. Yet, the other day, a mom at the playground told me it must be hard to be a teen parent, but I look like I've really got in under control.
So, I'm 30. I just don't look like it. I have been mistaken for my daughter's nanny, babysitter, teen mama, and aunty. Never mind the fact that she looks JUST like ME!
But hey, its ok. I don't care what anyone thinks, really. However, I do REALLY enjoy it when people think I am younger than I really am. Who wouldn't!
So yeah, back to being 30.
30 has already been a great year. I became technologically relevant when my husband bought me the iphone 4.
WOOT woot! Its amazing. I love it, and I love being able to listen to my music all the time!
I also ensured that no one would ever mistake me for a teenager again when I traded in my fully loaded awesome SUV for a fully loaded practical minivan.
thats right, I said it folks. I am now the owner and driver of a minivan. Why, you only have one kid? Seriously?
Well, there were a few reasons behind it. Number one and most important. I really wanted a lower monthly payment. I looked up the value of my suv and surprise! It was actually higher than my pay off. For once, I was thankful for the many times I accidentally payed my car payment twice in one month, because I couldn't remember if I payed it or not.
Yep, my car payment was higher than I desired.
And I am thinking long term. IN the next year or 2, I wanna make another baby. and after, that, Chris and I have plans to adopt. Hopefully twice. The bible says that true religion is caring for the orphan and widow. ANd, I truly believe that. We have a heart for the orphan. A child without a parent is a child without a parent....and that breaks my heart.
So anyhow, the FUTURE! As long as God will it, I'm probably gonna be a stay at home mom. And, man, our car payment was really making things tough to save as much as we want to. So, as spontaneous people we are, we decided to attempt a trade in with a less expensive purchase.
And it worked! My smarty pants, patient husband talked the guy into giving us 21K for our suv, instead of the 19.9K payoff. Then, he talked them into giving us 700 dollars just to NOT give them another clunker car we have. LOL. And, then, he talked the price down of the van we did want. So we got a great deal and will be saving an extra 150 a month!
SO that was reason number one. THe second reason is that we travel...ALOT. Being a military family means we are always away from our family. And when we visit, we come with a baby, a dog, a stroller, a portable crib, a baby carrier, a ton of baby stuff, and then lastly, our stuff. We always felt like we never had enough room. NOt to mention, the times we'd have to pull over so I could nurse Isabela. THere would be NO room at all for that! ANd, being that we will always travel alot and that in the next 5 years , we hope to have at least 2 but optimally 3 kiddos, we decided that a minivan would be the next best solution.
Perks? lower gas mileage. lots of room. Isabela loves being high enough to see out all of the windows and cries less in the van.( she HATES her carseat and has always threw fits in the car).
comfy breastfeeding, when we have to pull over during roadtrips to do so. yeah, I don't regret it.
SO, Im 30. I have an iphone 4 and minivan. A beautiful daughter and the desire in my heart to have more of my own and more that aren't my own. An awesome pup that has lots of tricks up his sleeve. I'm part of my church's worship music ministry. I am going to Portland today and Seattle next week!
I'm so incredibly blessed.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
As most people know, I am a very sensitive person. Not sensitive, like over-emotional, but sensitive in the way that the plight of the suffering really touches my heart.
The past couple of nights....I have tossed and turned over so many issues that I feel completely helpless against. Just to name a few....human-trafficking, sexual-slavery, child abuse, the orphan, sick and suffering babies and children.......human rights......genocide....
I have this checklist of things that I pray for, and what happens is that I get sooooo sick from all the injustice in the world, that it consumes me! I won't sleep, or can't sleep, because I can't stop thinking about it. I toss and turn and toss and turn. And, I can't stop feeling so completely and utterly HELPLESS !
I hate it. It makes me sick. To know that somewhere out there, a helpless child is being abused and neglected. To know that somewhere out there, people are jailed and even murdered due to their sexual preference. To know that heartless criminals profit from the sale of of human lives...
Several years ago, I did a pretty intense research project on human trafficking. It blew my mind. I have no words to describe what I've learned. No words. That project fueled me....it made me want to learn more. It forced me to open my eyes. It pulled me out of my safe little haven and made me care more than I thought I could!
And, now, I lie awake at night feeling helpless, heartbroken, and enraged.
I know I'm a sensitive being. But, is this normal? I don't know. I'm sick of feeling helpless. I want to help. I want to change lives! I am just not sure how!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Well, on Monday’s I am going to try and have posts about my childhood. Like I said, I think it will be great for Isabela to have all this when she’s older!
I had this great post already written, but my laptop crashed. Chris has to order this thing he needs for it, since the local Best Buy doesn’t have it on hand. BOOO!! SO, I am going to start in an entirely new direction, and save that post for another time.
From the beginning….
All I knew is that something special was happening. We were moving, but I didn’t really understand that concept. I was only three years old, and I remember my mother trying to explain it to me.
I went to sleep and woke up to my dad carrying me into the car. I remember that it was dark outside. Also, I think that my grandparents (dad’s parents) followed us down to Louisiana.
Let me give this a better beginning. I’m not sure, but I think we were living in Michigan. It was either that or Indiana. A three year old doesn’t really mess with the details. MY parent’s visited Louisiana, and during their visit, they decided they liked it so much that we should relocate there.
And on the road we went. I remember dark skies with bright lights. Feeling special, and knowing that something BIG was happening!
Then, I remember visiting a family’s house. They had a church gathering, and there were so many girls my age. I was so excited to play with these girls…they looked like they just stepped out of “Little House on the Prairie.” Long, uncut hair. Long skirts and dresses. Pretty bows in their hair.
And that was one of the many times in my life where I instantly felt like I didn’t belong. Because, my hair was short. I had bangs, and I don’t remember what I was wearing, but I know it wasn’t a long dress or skirt. Also, I didn’t know this, but another girl brought to my attention that my skin was really dark.
She asked me what country I was from and I didn’t know, so I had to go ask my mom.
Right around this time, I learned that I wasn’t “white.” I learned that if someone should ask, that I should say that I was Mexican, Filipino, and Czech. I wasn’t really sure what that all meant, but I was glad that I had an answer.
So, these girls were my first friends. We all belonged to a church called Evening Light Tabernacle, a nondenominational church. My parents replaced all our clothes with long skirts and dresses. My sister’s and I grew our hair very long, and we weren’t allowed to cut it. But still, I remember feeling very happy. I had friends, a lot of them, and I slowly started to look more like them (with the long hair and dresses).
The year was around 1983 when all this happened. A three year old is just a baby, really, but it is interesting how such a transition made such an impact and how that enabled me to remember not only the move to Louisiana, but the feelings that I had!
Around this time in Louisiana, segregation was still very much in practice. At the doctor’s office, the white people sat on one side and the black people sat on the other. In our neighborhood, if little black kids rode their bikes around our block, the white mother’s would hurriedly usher their children inside and draw the blinds. There was a white swimming pool and a black swimming pool. A white flower shop and black flower shop. A white high school prom and a black high school prom (until the year 1997). The KKK had rallies around the courthouse consistently. It was a horribly RACIST environment.
And, I was neither. I wasn’t black or white. I truly did not fit in. Our family was the only Hispanic family in town. The only other “brown” family was an Indian family that owned a local motel.
I grew up hearing white people saying the “n” word. I grew up feeling hate and tension between both races. Racism was the norm for many people….and it made my world so confusing. Because in the outside ‘world’, things would be one way. And, at home, I was taught another way. How the color of skin didn’t matter. How we were all God’s people. How racism was evil and not tolerated in our home.
For the most part of my early childhood, I would be conscious of my race. And for much of the beginning of my life, I would be made fun of for my race. Honestly and sadly, for much of my young childhood, I hated the color of my skin. I just wanted to be accepted. I just wanted to fit in, to blend into the crowd. And, I just wanted to be loved, regardless.
To live in a racist environment is horrible for any person. Sadly, much of the segregation I described in 1983 still exists today. The small southern town acceptance of it is horrifying, to say the least. When people say that racism does not exist anymore, I can only sadly shake my head.
Because, unfortunately, racism does exist.
And, this is my attempt at describing the childhood of a young girl. These are my memories, my thoughts, and my perceptions. Some may remember things differently than I do….and that’s ok. Memories are not black and white. Rather they are colors of passion….reds, oranges, dark blues and riveting greens….they are as volatile as the ocean and as emotive as a sunset. They are individual to each person and because of that; one single memory is a story that can be told a hundred different ways.
This is my story. These are my memories. This is who I am and this is why I am. Until next Monday.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I already had written the blog, and then I decided to just read it in the video...I watched it, and of course, I thought it was super cheesy...but oh well. It's about 5 minutes long, and the subject is about my struggle with perfection.
SO here you go, and below, I will post the written piece, in case you don't want to listen to my beautiful voice.
Society is pretty much obsessed with perfection. And, so is the 'blogging world.' Has anyone ever noticed that a lot of the 'super bloggers' live in the most perfect, beautiful worlds?
By super blogger, I mean those moms that have blogs centered around recipes, crafts, advice, decorating your home, and they must have super expensive cameras because all their photos look like they have been taken by a professional.
I'm not putting those bloggers down by any means! In fact, I like to go to their blogs, because lets face it, I'm in need of all the advice I can get when it comes to figuring out how to keep my house clean, play with my daughter, cook fabulous meals, and find ways to continue to be creative.
But, everytime I read these blogs, I feel a sense of, " I'll never be perfect enough." The super bloggers seem to have everything under the control, their houses are gorgeous, they never overspend, are very frugal , yet seem to have the nicest, most beautiful homes, they always have dinner on time ( and cook the most creative recipes), they find ways to play with their kids while cleaning and teaching them a lesson.....I mean, I could go on and on.
Ultimately, my point is that there is this beautiful, perfect world out there, and I wanna find it and bring it to my home, too!
Of course, that is probably not going to happen.
I like to compare it to dating. When you first date someone, you only show him what you want him to see. The good parts. The parts that say, " look how fun, how nice, how beautiful and perfect I am?"
I know if I was able to meet any of these 'super blogger mamas,' I would see that their homes get messy sometimes. I would see that they sometimes let their kids watch cartoons. I would see that they get behind in laundry, just like the rest of us.....and that sometimes they let the laundry sit too long in the washing machine, and have to rewash it!
I had already made a commitment to myself to be more vulnerable and honest with others. To be open about my love for the Lord. To be forthcoming with my faults and to be open, especially when I feel most uncomfortable. This is important to me. First, because the only way to inspire others is to let yourself be vulnerable. One of the best, most uncomfortable ways, for me to show my love for God is to be completely open about my past and to wear my faith on my sleeve.
I think I have done okay at this, but I could still do better.
So, my point is this. My blog isn't going to be a glimpse into my perfect world. I don't live in a perfect world. I do, however, live in a happy one. But, I struggle, just like a lot of woman, in being a good mother, a loving wife, and a woman of God. I struggle with my identity and with figuring out how to run my house, stay on budget, and to not be lazy!
But, all that is ok. It makes me who I am. My struggles give me character.
Our struggles give us character. They prepare us for the road ahead.
And, thats the thing to remember. I shouldn't let my glimpse into other people's worlds make me feel like I've failed. I know that sounds harsh, but essentially, that's what I feel, sometimes. And now matter how silly that sounds, I'm keeping true to myself by being honest.
In my heart, I know how blessed I am. SO blessed, blessed Beyond words.
Be honest. be vulnerable. Have a heart of love for ALL people. Be uncomfortable. Don't focus on perfection. Focus on people. Love your husband. "Rejoice in the partner of your youth." Play with your daughter. Love her unconditionally. Have a joyful heart. Have fun! Be silly!
Be thankful for freedom. Choose to love. Choose forgiveness. Choose to say no, sometimes. Remember, that no matter what, I am loved, and that every fiber of my being was wonderfully and purposely made.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I have been working on this great blog. Once I get started, I won't be stopped, either!
Basically, I am using this as kind of like a place to write my memoirs. There are these great blog programs that can turn print your blog into a book.
I hope that one day, I can give my children and grandchildren a 'book of my memoirs' when I pass away. I think it will be such a great gift, that will live on forever.
Also, I am definitely these two things: a story teller and a writer.
I will be starting from the beginning.
Monday, April 19, 2010
But come on, that is impossible!
Simply because, I am a mom.
That is my identity now. Well, part of it. Ok, who are we kidding, most of it!
And, guess what? That is NOT a bad thing! It is rather indescribable, actually. I mean, of course, there are other parts of my 'identity.' There are other things that define the person I am.
I am a woman who loves her husband, who has this creative energy that threatens to destroy me if I do not utilize it, who seriously loves my crazy family, who loves God, who loves my daughter, who loves to sing, who is a stay at home mommy, who struggles with myself, guilt, forgiveness, love, perfection, and figuring out who this new mommy person (me) really is.
The truth is, that being a stay at home mom can be incredibly lonely. And guilt inspiring. And boring at times. But, to me, mostly lonely.
That's because I love being around people. I love getting to know new people, learning about their lives and creating friendships. I get energy from people.
And now, I'm a stay at home mommy, and I'm rarely around people. So, I get lonely....with no one to talk to through out the day and a husband that works crazy hours. I'm not ashamed to admit it!
But then the other days make up for it! Watching my daughter conquer new milestones....if i was a working momma, I'd miss some of that stuff! Laying down with her, watching her attempt to read me books....man, my heart swells just thinking of it! Dancing around the house like crazy during our daily ' davila dance dance DANCE!' hour ( yes thats my cheesy name for it), is hilarious. Playing hide and seek. Park time. cuddle time. I mean, its during times like this, where I'm thinking, " Now, this is the life! Thank you Jesus, for giving me the blessing of being with my daughter all day, every day!"
And, I think, that is where the sensibility kicks in. Sure, I find myself glancing at job offers, wistfully imagining myself working again. And then, I look at my daughter and am floored.
Who am I kidding? I can never go back. I will never be who I used to be and I may never be able to return to the work force again....
Because, I've experienced the dream. Even though it really wasn't my dream. And maybe still isn't. But I've been there, and I'm still there, living it everyday. Lonely it is. Thankless it is.
Its the loneliest most thankless, most IMPORTANT job I've ever had - and it's also the best, most rewarding, most fun, most relaxing, and the most FULFILLING job that I've ever had.
Its more than a job, it is a new life to cherish, a story that's being written, memories that are being made, a whole new way to love and be loved...It is who I am now.
And, its finally kicked in. I am really a mom, now. A sahm (stay at home mom).
I'm the real deal.
Today, I was at Barnes and Nobles in the mall buying Isabela some books. I left after making some light conversation with the checkout lady. On the way out the door, I saw a lady in front of me. She was holding a huge purse, wearing sweats and a light jacket. She was looking very 'casual cute.' And, looked like she had a ton of errands to run. I thought, "mom, definitely a sahm"
And then I stepped out of myself and looked at me. Dressed in yoga pants, a tank and light jacket. Huge purse, aka diaper bag. A list of errands to run.
Definitely a mom - sahm uniform and all!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
and bookmark the link! Please be aware that our family blog will be going private within the next 2 weeks. So, if you would like to be invited to read the blog, please comment or email me with your email address!!!
So, from now on, aliciakristina.com will always take you here. This is going to be my 'personal blog', so it won't be centered as much around the comings and goings of our family. Rather, this will serve as an outlet for my creativity...whichever form it may come in!