Friday, February 25, 2011
Go here: YouFrillme.com
As a loyal and loving sister, I must recommend this blog. Why?
Well, first of all, my sister, Aurelia is super cool. Not only is she cool, she's also in style. And, I mean in style. In style, like celebrity in style. Think Jessica Alba. Kourtney Kardashian. Or Kim. Yes, in style. The kind of style that I can't be anymore, ( can't afford it) and can't allow ( she has no beautiful babies that change your style) She is the ultimate cake bakerand cupcake creator.
She's funny, and beautiful, and I lovie my dear little sister. (:
Her sister in law, Fran, is also super cool. One of her posts in this blog is my favorite, because Fran, like me, is a nursing mama! Yep, she gives her sweet baby the very best milk of all! Nursing moms have a special place in my heart, because to be successful at it requires patience, time, commitment, and passion.
But not only that, Fran is the MOST amazing singer and musician. Vegan nutritionist extraordinaire! And, although I don't know Fran very well at all, she has so kindly helped me in the midst of my Isabela's allergy issues, and she most likely doesn't know how that really just sorta saved my life.
And not to be forgotten, Fran is also in style. Yep. And since nursing mom clothes are SO NOT in style, I can't wait to see the creations Fran comes across in that department.
So, pair two lovely, creative, in style ladies together and you get a blog that not only is fun and pretty, but one that makes you want to see the pretty in your everyday life - or their everyday life.
( cuz as I look around, all I see is the after effects of tornado Isabela. No pretty here. No in style stuff at my place!)
So, click on that link up there. You know you want to!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
a week or two of high 30, 40, 5o degree weather comes around. And today, it must be a record high of around 60 degrees.
I tell you. No one can truly appreciate the sun unless they live without it for half the year! So midwesterners, Portlanders....Washington-ers....well I hope we are all enjoying some sunshine this week.
So, in honor of this day....and in hopes of many more spring like days occurring VERY soon, take a listen to one of my favorite songs by my favorite band of all time: The Beatles, "Here Comes the Sun."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
First, let me say thank you. To everyone who emailed me, facebooked me, texted me, called me, prayed for me, cried with me - thank you! I don’t think I ever really realized how many people love and care for me until just recently. I am genuinely overwhelmed with love. I am so grateful.
I am happy that I wrote about losing our baby. It was an easy decision to make. Writing is very cathartic for me…and I need to heal. After writing the story, it just felt so much easier to move on. There are some other things as well. Like the tree we intend to plant in memory of her. Thank you Jessica.
The beautiful rose bush that so truly describes the character of life. Beautiful. Fragile. Unpredictable. High maintenance. Thank you Angela, Aurelia, and Stacy.
There is more, which will remain private.
But, surprisingly, there is also the name. We initially chose Aureliana Grace. But through my mourning, I realized that God had given her a new name.
Of Hebrew origin.
In the bible, the seraphim are the highest ranking angels of God. And, they are known for their zealous love. The meaning of Seraphina is “burning ones.”
And suddenly, this all makes sense. Yes, we will heal. We will move on. But….her memory will never disappear. The promise of what could have been will always burn inside of us.
And so….that's it. That’s all I have to say publicly. And, I will never publicly write about this again. My public blog will return to what it once was….whatever that is.
Because, I have to move on. To continue to live joyfully in these fleeting moments. I can’t let myself be stuck here.
So, thank you , everyone. Please know that we are immensely grateful for the love and kindness you have shared. In those dark moments, we have never felt so loved.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Everything I read made me want to learn more, and as the end of my pregnancy drew near, I began to prepare for Isabela's arrival.
I always knew she would be a girl. Even when the first ultrasound determined we were having a boy, Chris and I both had our doubts. No one can mess with a mother's instinct...no one!
With this pregnancy, it was different. we tried for about 3 months and all the negative tests were so discouraging. I began to feel like I just couldn't do it anymore. Because every month, I would buy at least 3 pregnancy tests and feel like a failure when they were negative. With Isabela, it took about 6 months, so I knew that getting pregnant would take a while...for us. I just underestimated the disappointment and sadness that a negative test would bring.
We agreed to take a break in trying to conceive....
And then, my bestfriend, Stacy, called me.
"you are pregnant," she says. "Go take a pregnancy test!"
I thought, "impossible!"
But she was right. And as I stood, staring at those 2 pink lines, tears of happiness flowed down my face! Could it be that I, Alicia, just got pregnant without even really trying? No charting basal temps, no checking cervical mucous, no charting periods/ovulation?
I took the other test. Postive.
I called Chris immediately. We are ecstatic.
that week, I took about 3 more tests. I couldn't believe it! I estimated that I was right at 3 weeks pregnant...meaning that our baby was just a tiny embryo, just beginning to form.
Still, I wasn't exactly sure, so my midwife scheduled an vaginal ultrasound for 3 weeks later.
And during these 3 weeks...
I read, devoured my favorite reading material. I dreamed of breastfeeding a tiny infant again, late at night, while smelling her sweet scent. Listening to soft music. Holding and loving such a sweet tiny baby again.
I looked forward to feeling the baby kick. Seeing my stomach grow. Sharing all this with Chris and Isabela.
Every week, I read about the different developments taking place. Wondered about how much hair this one would have.
And although people predicted a boy this time, and even twins....I knew in my heart that I was carrying another baby girl.
And we have a name.
Another sweet baby girl. Oh, how my heart yearns to hold her!
So, I have been waiting for what seemed like an eternity for this week. To see the ultrasound.
And then, the bleeding started. Friday night, right after a great workout with a wonderful friend.
When I first saw it, I was shocked! Terrified! Bright red blood..and I felt a sinking feeling in my heart.
I felt confused....scared, devastated. I immediately called the OB on call , knowing that there was little they could do, but wanting to make sure I did the right thing.
Fortunately, I wasn't cramping, so they told me to just rest and to come in on Monday. Rest I did.
Saturday, the cramping began. At this point, I just felt numb. I knew what would happen, and wanted it to just be over.
I began to pass small blood clots.
And then, while sitting on the couch, I felt a rush of liquid and something else pass from my body, uncontrollably.
I remember yelling, OH NO, and running to the bathroom. And thats when I saw it. Her. The tissues that held her. I knew, at once, that this was our baby.
Until that point I was calm, tears falling, but no crying. Trying to let myself be at peace with what was happening.
But when all this was revealed to me, I completely lost it. Shaking...crying, devastated at the loss of life that I would never know.
So yes, dear family and friends. We lost our baby, our sweet angel. The miscarriage was complete, and verified by my midwife on Monday. Our sweet tiny angel baby is now in heaven, being taken care of by angels and loved by our Father.
As I write this, I cry. I cry at the loss of life that I never really felt move inside of me.
I cry...because in just 3 weeks, I developed a love for my baby that will never be broken.
And in those 3 weeks, I prayed and thought about our sweet baby almost every single minute of every day.
I became a mother again.
It is true, that I will never know our baby on this earth. I will never hold her hand or kiss her cheek. I will never nurse her. I will never hear that first cry. I will never marvel at the hair on her head or kiss her tiny hands and feet. I will never hold her, breathing in that sweet tiny infant smell. I will never experience life with this sweet baby.
There are so many I never's.
And they all break my heart. Because before she was even conceived, I was dreaming about her. Praying for her. Wishing for her. Preparing for her.
And so we mourn. The loss of the life, that in just 3 short weeks, we loved just as fiercely as we love Isabela.
And as we mourn, we are healing. Taking joy and comfort in the fact that we will, one day, hold our sweet tiny in heaven. As, that is exactly where she is, safe, and never having to experience not even one day of the pain, sorrow, or struggle that we all endure here on this earth.
And even through this heartache, we are thankful. For our friends and family, who have showered us with love and given us the words of life, feeding us in our sorrow and deprivation.
For Isabela, who brings us nothing but joy, every single day....
For the amazing gift of LIFE
For the knowledge of fragile life really is
For the chance to one day, hold our baby in our arms, again....
We are thankful. Our cup overflows.