Saturday, March 5, 2011

Confessing my insecurities

disclaimer: I stole the use of pretties and pretty from my sister, Aurelia. Thanks sis. Also, this blog is just a reflection of my own insecurities and is in no way, intended to put down the people who love shopping, buying pretty things, and making themselves pretty, as I fall into all those categories as well. This is intended for people like me, who have to budget every single thing, who can barely scrape money into savings every paycheck, and who are letting, yes letting, our vanity, stand in the way of being our best person.


I've been blogging. alot.
The old fashioned way...yes, using a pen and paper! I suppose this is really called journaling

Anyhow, its been pretty awesome, because I don't feel censored in any way. Plus, there's just something about pen and paper that feels so much better than typing ( until my fingers get tired).

Lately, I've really been longing to feel pretty. Ok...I realize I am not horrendous looking. I realize that some of you may even think I already am pretty. Thank you! But, I don't really mean that I think I'm ugly, or not pretty, or horrendous.

The problem is....I feel ugly, not pretty, and horrendous!

Here in Iowa...its still winter. Its depressing. I seriously miss the sun. To make things worse, all around me, in the stores are spring items. SPRING! Bright colorful shirts, fun flirty flowery dresses, scarves with sweet birds embroidered on them...etc.

Oh, how I long to wear spring! However...its really just too cold outside to even bother. That's just part of the problem though. Because, even if it was warm outside, I wouldn't be buying anything. With the loss we are taking on our house, I cannot justify spending absolutely anything on me, at all.

I love staying at home with Isabela. Love it.

But, I feel so frumpy all the time.
So tired ( yeah, baby girl has only slept through the night 4 times since she's been born! AH!).
So at a loss at what do to with my hair.
I feel so out of style.
Everywhere, all around me, people are coming and going, and they look fantastic.
And then, here I am, feeling frumpy, not so pretty, and even...( dun, dun dun) insecure?

Wow, now that is a confession! I hate feeling insecure. Being insecure is dangerous, you know. It brings out the absolute worst in people. It forces you to isolate....creates a funk that is hard to get out of.

SO, this is NOT ok with me. I'm tired of feeling like a frumpy 3o year old housewife.

Isn't there more to life than this?

Seriously, isn't there more to life than being obsessed with all the pretties and "I have to have this or that,?"

Of course there is.

Deep down inside, we all know this. How do I change this..."frumpy attitude", this "not satisfied with myself feeling"....this "I want to feel pretty sort of thing?"

I came to the conclusion that the only way to fight it would be to focus more on things that are really important than my own vanity issues. The things that I am already passionate about.

The things that matter more to me that a new outfit, timeless cardigan, or fabulous scarf.

Missions. Instead of taking money from our tax refund to give myself a prize, well...I tithed it all to missions.

Voices of the Martyrs. A mission very deep to my heart and one that is changing my entire view on Christianity, religion, and the love of Christ. Becoming even more involved with their organization.

Reading. Reading to learn.

To stop looking at the sites, stores, blogs, that do nothing but make me want to have all the things I cannot have.

The above are just some examples. But....its truly working.

Do you ever feel the same way that I do?
Like you just can't keep up with the world around you?
Like you can't compare?
Like the old things you already have aren't good enough?
Like your just not showing the pretty you all the time?

Take heart, my dear friends.
And remember, that the inner beauty of your heart is so much more important than your display. And being pretty is really only temporary. And, actually, its quite boring, after a while.

No one wants to read about someone else's perfect life. Or watch a movie about another person's perfect life. Its boring and may come across as condescending.

If you were to write a best selling book about your life, you would include more uglies than pretties. Otherwise, no one would want to read it, but most importantly, no one could relate to it!In fact, your pretty life, just became very ugly!

Ask yourself, What will you be known for when you pass away?
Will it be for your fashion style?
Your perfectly decorated home?
Your closet full of clothing and shoes?
The car you drive?
Etc?

Yes, you get it, right? Well, if your perfectly ok with being known for only that, then more power to you!

However, I suspect otherwise. That most people, like me, want to be remembered for SOMETHING bigger.

I want people to remember things about me that can't be summarized in words.
I want to be remembered for changing ( REALLY changing) a life, or two. Maybe even more.
I want to be remembered for my love for people.
I want to be remembered as a giver.
I want to be remembered for an inner beauty that far outweighs my outer self.
I want to be remembered as a person who is willing to sacrifice her life for others.

Do you?

It starts now! Start now! Put away all your vices, your distractions, and stop focusing on your making you and your life pretty!

I know its hard. Trust me, I do!

Write your own story. Wear your heart on your sleeve and be completely honest about your mistakes and past transgressions. Remove all the veils of fear, insecurity, and vanity. Give of yourself than to yourself. Serve your family. Love the human race.

Instead of buying beautiful things, DO beautiful things. And never worry about being beautiful. Because all the right people think you are, anyway!

Ah...the musings of the poor, the rich would say! True!

I would like to share some scripture. I always "got" it....but NOW, I REALLY get it.

"I'll say it again--it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of God!" Matthew 19:24 NLT


Lastly, here is a favorite quote of mine that so wonderfully puts things in the RIGHT perspective. Quoted by Sabina Wurmbrand ( A christian lady, wife to Pastor Richard Wurmbrand, who was imprisoned, tortured, beaten, and sent to a hard labor camp, all for being Christian in a Communist country):

"Perhaps dear sisters, you know how we are the women, we always have the impression that we do not have enough clothes, and we absolutely need a new dress and we are ready to quarrel and to fight, “I need it, absolutely “. Perhaps, when your heart is so unhappy about your new dress, which you need, remember your sisters, in rags, hungry, beaten, put to shame by the Communists. Pray for them and praying for them thank God for all you have. And learning to thank God your heart will be blessed and will be happy and you will be a blessing to those around you. "

5 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing. One of the reasons I started the new blog is because I wanted to realize all of the beauty that is around me. And pretty things make my heart sing and they add to the beauty of the world. But they don't mean anything if I don't feel content about myself. I've been struggling with your same feelings lately as well. Not exactly the same because we are in different situations. But basically I haven't felt "pretty". Every time I see a picture of myself or even often looking in the mirror it seems as though I see something un-pretty. I know it sounds ridiculous and vain, but it's true.

    One thing that comforts me is that it doesn't matter anyway! I'm learning to find joy in life and be content in who I am. The other day, someone gave me a compliment of my life. They asked me how it was that my eyes were always sparkling. I said maybe it was because I had been laughing and they insisted that they were ALWAYS that way. Obviously I don't think this about myself, but it made me feeling like I was doing something right. It's a beautiful thing to feel free from the standards of this world. To let go and understand true beauty. It makes things look pretty that you wouldn't have noticed before. Love ya, and again, thanks for sharing.

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  2. Dear sister, I love your new blog! Especially on how it focuses on the beauty that already surrounds us. And,just to have possessions and extras around the house is so beautiful, indeed. thanks for commenting!

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  3. Hey Beautiful Girls,

    I read the above post and then both of your comments. When I think about how beautiful you both are, I am absolutely amazed that you aren't "feeling" pretty. BUT then I realize it is like the old saying, "We are never content with what we are/have." The reason for this is a simple one. We are just looking for our perfect body that waits in heaven. Anthony often asks me, "Who is that?" when seeing a picture of one of you online. I always say, "My beautiful "sort of" cousins!" LOL

    I too have been feeling, frumpy, insecure, frustrated, and just down right not pretty lately. It's an epidemic! LOL BUT I am focusing on God's word and to see if I can "BE" better rather than look better. I have about 100 pounds to lose to be "perfect" and that's a lot. But how many pounds of pride, selfishness, and petty concerns do I need to lose. I think I'll go on a internal diet instead! Get rid of all the rest of that "junk" and then God will help me be what He needs me to be!

    I love you both!
    Tina

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  4. We all have faith. We go to a doctor we don’t really know and are handed a prescription we cannot read. We then take that prescription to a pharmacist, a total stranger, who presents us with a mysterious bottle filled with pills that we swallow –all in faith. Our problem is not so much a lack of faith but where we place that faith.

    Billy Graham said, “Most of us do not understand nuclear fission, but we accept it. I don’t understand television, but I accept it. I don’t understand radio, but every week my voice goes out around the world, and I accept it. Why is it so easy to accept all these man-made miracles and so difficult to accept the miracles of the Bible".

    Faith is built upon trust. God wants us to trust Him -even when we do not understand what is happening or can explain the circumstances. Even when nothing makes sense and everything seems wrong. It is easy to trust Him when the seas are calm and the skies are clear but the strength of our faith is measured in the midst of a raging storm. A crisis always reveals what is really inside. What life does to us depends on what life finds in us. Faith is a deliberate choice to believe God, to walk through our fear, knowing we can trust Him every step of the way.

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  5. I've been catching up on your blog, and think it's so insightful! This is my favorite post. I think we all struggle with a balance between consuming and living for what matters. Check out the book Your Money or Your Life-it's fascinating, and is reshaping the way I feel about STUFF and what it's really worth to me. I think that really taking those pretty things and enjoying them to the fullest like Aurelia, is different than just buying, buying, buying to feel better about yourself. If you really take advantage of, and appreciate the things you have it's not superficial and won't make a person feel guilt or emptiness which is what happens when you overconsume. It's figuring out that balance...:) Thanks so much for making me think cousin.

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